Consent
Learn what consent really means, how to ask for it, and why it matters. Clear, practical guidance on enthusiastic consent and respecting boundaries.
"Consent is not a lightswitch. It's not something you flip on at the start of a sexual encounter and assume will stay on until you're done." - Emily Nagoski
Consent is a clear, enthusiastic agreement to engage in any sexual activity. It must be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific (FRIES). Consent isn’t just the absence of “no” – it’s an active, ongoing “yes” that can be withdrawn at any time. It requires clear communication between all people involved and must be given without pressure, manipulation, or coercion.
It's time to take the responsibility off potential victims.
Consent Checklist
Consent doesn't have to be difficult - it's about mutual respect and caring for each other
- Going quiet or still
- Seeming "checked out" or distant
- Agreeing but seeming distressed
- Not responding or engaging
Always check in if you notice these signs. Stop and ask if they're okay.
Remember
Consent is sexy. Checking in shows care and respect.
When in doubt, ask. It's always better to communicate clearly.
Absence of "no" is not "yes". Look for enthusiastic, verbal agreement.
Consent FAQs
What if someone seems into it but hasn't said yes?
Ask them. Don’t guess or assume. Consent should be clear and unambiguous. Body language can be misleading – someone might seem physically aroused but not actually want to continue, or they might be frozen in fear. Use your words. Ask “is this okay?” or “do you want to keep going?” or “what do you want to do?” The worst that happens is you have a brief conversation that makes sure everyone is on the same page. That’s much better than the alternative.
How do you ask for consent without killing the mood?
Asking for consent doesn’t kill the mood – it creates trust, shows respect, and actually makes sex better. You can ask in ways that feel natural and even sexy: “I really want to [specific activity], are you into that?” or “Can I [action]?” or “What do you want to do?” Enthusiastic responses like “yes please” or “I want that too” are incredibly hot. If asking for consent kills the mood, maybe there wasn’t genuine desire to begin with.
What is coercion and how is it different from consent?
Coercion is using pressure, manipulation, guilt, threats, or intimidation to get someone to agree to sex. This isn’t consent – it’s forcing someone to say “yes” when they don’t want to. Coercion includes things like: repeatedly asking after someone says no, making someone feel guilty (“if you loved me you would”), threatening to end the relationship, using their financial dependence, making threats, or wearing someone down until they give in. Coerced “consent” isn’t real consent.
Can married people or people in relationships be raped?
Yes. Being in a relationship or marriage doesn’t mean consenting to all sexual activity all the time. Relationship rape and marital rape are real and serious crimes. Your partner doesn’t have automatic access to your body just because you’re together. You still need consent for every sexual encounter, and you can always say no. Forcing or coercing your partner to have sex is sexual assault, regardless of relationship status.
What if you regret sex afterwards – is that lack of consent?
Regret after consensual sex isn’t the same as lack of consent. If you genuinely consented at the time – you were sober, freely agreeing, able to say no, and actively participating – but later wish you hadn’t, that’s regret, not assault.
However, if you only said yes because you were pressured, coerced, too drunk, scared, or unable to refuse, then consent wasn’t present. Regret is a normal emotion that doesn’t change what happened, but it’s important to distinguish it from situations where real consent never existed.
Does physical arousal mean someone consented?
No. Physical arousal is an involuntary bodily response that doesn’t equal consent. Someone can become physically aroused even during unwanted or non-consensual sexual activity – this is a biological response, not a sign of consent or enjoyment. Similarly, lubrication, erection, or even orgasm can happen during sexual assault. These responses don’t mean the person wanted it or that what happened was okay. Consent is about what someone actively communicates and agrees to, not how their body responds.
Can you withdraw consent after you've already started?
Absolutely yes. Consent can be withdrawn at any moment, even during sex. If someone changes their mind, feels uncomfortable, or wants to stop for any reason, they have every right to say so and it must be respected immediately. You might say “I want to stop,” “I’m not comfortable,” or “I’ve changed my mind.” A good partner will stop immediately without question, pressure, or guilt-tripping. Withdrawing consent doesn’t require justification or explanation.
Latest guides on Consent
Learn from the experts
Purge your feed and follow these wonderful consent educators & organisations.
Putting consent, respect and empathy at the heart of sex education
Follow
Toronto Metropolitan University's education and support centre for sexual violence
Follow
A charity providing consent education. By young people for young people
Follow
Helping parents develop their child's understanding of consent and body boundaries
Follow
Educating people about the importance of consent since 2013. Consent is OMFG
Follow