Asexuality is a sexual orientation that’s slowly getting the recognition it deserves as more people learn and identify as asexual, or “ace.” With this growing awareness, it’s natural to want to understand what it means to be asexual and what this looks like in terms of relationships and personal identity.
So, What Exactly is Asexuality?
In short, asexuality means not experiencing sexual attraction. People who are asexual aren’t driven by the usual sexual attraction that many others feel. It’s important to know that asexuality isn’t a choice, a phase, or a fear of sex. Instead, it’s simply a different way of experiencing the world.
However, there’s a whole spectrum within asexuality. Some asexual people might feel entirely uninterested in sex, while others may enjoy solo pleasure but not with other people and others will be neutral about it or even open to sex for emotional connection or intimacy. This range shows that asexuality is not a one-size-fits-all experience, and people define their feelings and boundaries differently.
Asexuality Myths Busted
There are a lot of misunderstandings about asexuality, so let’s clear up a few of the big ones:
- “Asexual people are scared of sex“ – Not true! Asexuality isn’t defined by fear or avoidance of sex. It’s about not feeling that natural pull or attraction to it, though some asexual people might have specific feelings about engaging in sex itself.
- “Asexuality is just a phase“ – Nope! Just like any other orientation, asexuality can be a lifelong experience. It’s not something people simply “grow out of.”
- “Asexual people don’t want relationships“ – Many asexual people have rich, fulfilling relationships! Some may feel romantic attraction and seek relationships, while others don’t. It’s all about the individual and what feels right for them.
- “You’ve just not found the right person; you’re not asexual” – This suggests that sexual attraction is a requirement for validating one’s identity, but much like being gay, queer, or straight, asexuality is not a choice—it’s a valid orientation that deserves acceptance and recognition, as each person’s experience of attraction is unique.
How Asexuality and Romantic Orientation Can Overlap
Asexuality isn’t always tied to a person’s ability to feel romantic attraction. Asexual people can still be romantically drawn to others; they might identify as heteroromantic, homoromantic, or biromantic, for instance. Some asexual people, however, don’t feel romantic attraction either and may identify as aromantic.
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation that is also part of the asexuality spectrum. This is where individuals only experience sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional connection with someone. Demisexual people may not feel sexually attracted to someone upon first meeting but can develop attraction as trust and affection grow. This orientation highlights the diversity of human sexuality and emphasises the role of emotional intimacy can play in sexual attraction.
For those who want a romantic relationship, therapy can help clarify what kinds of connection or intimacy feel comfortable and meaningful for them, leading to fulfilling relationships built on understanding and respect.
Mental Health & Asexuality: Finding Support and Validation
Asexual individuals might face mental health challenges because of social stigma or feeling “different” in a predominantly sexual society. They might also face isolation, shame, or confusion. Therapy can help by providing a supportive space for asexual individuals to talk openly about their experiences, affirm their identities, and even work through feelings of isolation.
For some, asexuality is met with discrimination against asexuality, which might come from family, friends, or even the healthcare system. Talking with a therapist can help asexual people feel seen, supported, and validated.
Navigating Relationships as an Asexual Person
Yes, asexual people can absolutely have relationships! Whether those relationships are romantic or platonic, they’re just as meaningful and fulfilling. Asexual individuals often create relationships based on deep connection and mutual respect rather than physical attraction. 
When an asexual person is in a relationship with someone who isn’t asexual, it might bring up some unique challenges around intimacy and expectations. Here, open communication is key. Discussing needs, boundaries, and expectations honestly helps both partners feel respected and connected, even if their attraction levels differ.
Therapists can work with couples to find creative ways to nurture closeness, trust, and intimacy without needing sex to be the central focus of the relationship. This way, both partners can enjoy a relationship that feels fulfilling and meaningful for both.
How Can You Be a Good Ally to Asexual People?
If you’re a friend, family member, or partner of someone who is asexual, you can support them in many ways:
- Learn more: Read up on asexuality to understand it better, especially from reliable resources and voices in the asexual community.
- Ask questions, but don’t assume: Respectfully asking about their preferences or boundaries can open the door to understanding, but avoid making assumptions.
- Believe them and be inclusive: Support asexual inclusivity in conversations and social settings, helping to break down stereotypes and increase awareness. Don’t assume.
Is there a link to Asexuality and Neurodivergence?
There is a strong and meaningful connection between asexuality and neurodivergence, though the reasons behind this overlap are still being explored. Many autistic people, ADHDers, and others who are neurodivergent find themselves identifying somewhere on the asexual spectrum more often than neurotypical people do.
Everyone experiences attraction, relationships, and intimacy differently, and for neurodivergent people, these experiences can be shaped by unique perspectives on the world. Some possible reasons for the link include:
- A Different Relationship with Social Norms: Many neurodivergent people feel less pressure to conform to societal expectations about relationships and sexuality, making space for them to explore identities that feel most authentic.
- Sensory Processing Differences: For those with heightened or reduced sensory sensitivities—common in autism and other forms of neurodivergence—touch, intimacy, and attraction might be experienced in ways that make asexuality a natural and comfortable identity.
- Attraction Feels Different (or Not at All): Some neurodivergent people describe experiencing attraction in a way that doesn’t fit traditional definitions, or not experiencing it at all. This can make asexuality, demisexuality, or grey-asexuality feel like the best way to describe their experiences.
- Focus on Other Joys & Interests: Some people simply find that romance or sex isn’t a priority in their lives, either because of deep engagement with special interests or simply because it doesn’t bring them the same fulfilment as other things.
Asexuality & Autism
Studies suggest that autistic people are far more likely to identify as asexual or somewhere on the ace spectrum than the general population. Reports estimate that anywhere from 15% to 40% of autistic individuals describe themselves this way, compared to around 1% of the general population.
Asexuality & ADHD
While there’s less research on ADHD and asexuality, some ADHDers also describe unique relationships with attraction and desire. Factors like fluctuating dopamine levels, hyperfixation, and impulsivity can all shape the way they connect with relationships, sexuality, and their own ace identity.
It’s important to remember that not all neurodivergent people are asexual, just as not all asexual people are neurodivergent. But for those who do experience this overlap, it can be deeply affirming to know they’re not alone. Your identity is valid, your experiences are real, and there is a whole community out there that sees and celebrates you exactly as you are.
Embracing Asexuality as a Valid, Beautiful Orientation
Asexuality is as legitimate as any other orientation and deserves respect and understanding. If you or someone close to you identifies as asexual, remember that there’s no “right” way to experience relationships. By respecting people’s boundaries and choices, we can create a more inclusive and understanding world for asexual individuals to be themselves fully and without judgment.
Curious to learn more or exploring your own identity? A psychosexual therapist can be a great support, helping individuals and couples create healthy, fulfilling relationships that align with who they are.
Handy Asexual Resources
🏳️🌈 Educational Resources & Organisations
- Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) – The largest and most well-known asexuality resource with forums, FAQs, and research.
- The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP) – Focuses on advocacy, inclusivity, and education for asexual and aromantic people.
- AUREA (Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy) – A great resource for those who also explore the aromantic spectrum.
- LGBTQ+ Wiki – Asexuality – A more casual, easy-to-read overview of asexuality and related identities.
📖 Books & Research
- The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality – Julie Sondra Decker
- Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex – Angela Chen
- Understanding Asexuality – Anthony F. Bogaert (more academic)
- Ace Voices: What It Means to Be Asexual, Aromantic, Demi, or Grey-Ace – Eris Young
🎙️ Podcasts & YouTube Channels
- Sounds Fake But Okay – A podcast on asexuality and relationships.
- The Ace Couple – Hosted by an asexual couple discussing asexual life and activism.
- Let’s Talk About Ace – YouTube videos explaining ace experiences.
- Ace Dad Advice – A wholesome TikTok creator providing ace support and validation.
🌍 Online Communities & Support
- The Ace Community on Tumblr – A mix of memes, support, and discussions.
- AVEN Forums – A huge, active discussion space.
- r/Asexuality (Reddit) – A supportive community for asexual people.
- Asexual Support on Discord – A safe space for ace-spectrum individuals.
Founder and CEO of Cliterally The Best, Evie Plumb is a qualified sex educator and nearing the completion of her training in Psychosexual & Relationship Therapy. She’s on a mission to provide accessible, inclusive sex education for those of us who had a sh*tty sex ed – because when we truly understand our bodies and relationships, life is so much better (and, more importantly, way more fun!).
